Picture this: It's December 22nd, you're at the mall for the third time this week, standing in the holiday aisle feeling completely overwhelmed. Your mom's expecting that elaborate Christmas dinner, your kids want the "perfect" holiday experience, and you're already exhausted just thinking about coordinating everyone's schedules on top of year end work deadlines.
Sound familiar?
If you're a woman juggling aging parents, teenagers, work deadlines, and the pressure to create magical holidays for everyone else, this video is for you. I'm Catherine Avery ADHD Coach, and today we're talking about how to go from holiday chaos to what I like to call "Holiday Calm-ish" - because let's be real, perfection isn't the goal here.
Before we dive in, if you’re navigating midlife ADHD, caregiving, and the pressure to hold everyone’s holidays together, you’re in the right place. I create videos to help you find calm, clarity, and energy—one tab at a time.
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What if I told you there's a holiday trap that catches almost every woman in her 40s and 50s - and most of us don't even realize we're in it until we're drowning?
Picture this: You're an air traffic controller at the world's busiest airport during a snowstorm. Planes circling everywhere - your teenager's Christmas needs are coming in hot, your mom's doctor appointments are requesting immediate landing, your mother-in-law's dinner expectations are hovering in a holding pattern, and Instagram is broadcasting emergency instructions to make everything look magazine-perfect.
But here's the thing. You're not safely in the control tower. You're standing on the runway trying to direct all this holiday traffic while planes are landing right on top of you.
That's the Holiday Expectation Trap. We become air traffic control for everyone else's holiday happiness while we're getting run over in the process. Research shows women already take on 70% more holiday tasks than men, but for those of us in midlife? That number skyrockets because we're not just managing our kids' Christmas lists; we're also coordinating our parents' holiday needs, managing three generations of expectations.
And somehow we've convinced ourselves that if we just work faster, plan better, Pinterest our way to perfection, we can safely land every single holiday demand.
But here's what nobody talks about: What happens when the air traffic controller crashes? Because I learned the hard way that this system has a breaking point - and it almost broke me...
Let me share something personal with you. Ten years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer right before Thanksgiving. Suddenly, all those elaborate holiday plans I'd been making - the perfect decorations, the homemade everything, the hosting multiple gatherings - none of it seemed important anymore.
Here's what I realized in that doctor's office: Meeting everyone's holiday expectations creates exhaustion, but honoring your own values creates connection.
When you're constantly trying to meet everyone else's definition of the "perfect" holiday, here's what happens:
You experience decision fatigue from trying to coordinate everyone's preferences. You feel guilty when you can't do "all the things." You end up resentful instead of joyful during what should be the most meaningful time of the year with our loved ones.
Many women I work with tell me they need a vacation after the holidays just to recover. That's not how it's supposed to work. That used to be me too!
The truth is, when we operate from other people's expectations instead of our own values, we create holidays that look good on Instagram but leave us feeling empty and exhausted.
So here's what I learned during that difficult holiday season: I'd been holiday planning like I was running someone else's marathon. Following their route, their pace, their finish line. But chemo and radiation was already a marathon and I wasn’t going to be left with merry elf energy.
That's when I started asking: 'What do I actually want my daughter to remember?' Not what Pinterest says. Not what my mother-in-law expects. What do I want?
It's like Marie Kondo for holidays, except instead of asking 'Does this spark joy?' you ask 'Does this spark the memories I want to create?' The handmade cookies? Stressful. The movie night in pajamas? Pure magic.
When you get clear on YOUR holiday values first, every decision becomes easier. You're not saying yes to everyone else's idea of perfect; you're saying yes to what actually matters to your family. So let me show you exactly how to identify those values and turn them into your holiday game plan...
Step 1: Identify Your Core Holiday Values
Take a moment right now and ask yourself: "What do I actually want my family to remember about our holidays?" Is it the perfect table settings, or is it the laughter around the dinner table? Is it expensive gifts, or is it quality time together?
When I got clear on my values - connection, simplicity, and rest - my holiday decisions became so much easier. Every invitation, every tradition, every task got filtered through these values.
Fewer office parties, more letting my then 10 year old decorate the tree. Also ONE tree instead of three! Yes Virginia we really used to put up three Christmas trees.
Step 2: Create Your "Not This Year" List
This might be the most important step. Make a list of things you're NOT doing this year. Maybe it's hosting Christmas eve (or Hanukkah) dinner for 20 people. Maybe it's handmade gifts for everyone on your list. Maybe it's attending every single holiday party you're invited to.
We started our Christmas day tradition of a big platter of antipasto that people could nosh on until dinner was on the table. Rather than me worrying about yet another meal! You know what happened? Everyone was relieved, because I was so much less stressed. Everyone cared more about being together than whether I made homemade stuffing.
Step 3: Design Your Calm-ish Holiday Plan
Most people plan holidays like they're playing Tetris, cramming every event, tradition, and obligation into their calendar until there's no space left to breathe. But what if you planned holidays like a luxury hotel books their best suite?
The Four Seasons doesn't say 'We'll squeeze you in somewhere.' They block out their premium rooms first, then fill around them. That's exactly what I started doing with rest time. I opened my December calendar and marked 'Family Pajama Day' before I wrote down a single party invitation.
It felt rebellious. Like I was being selfish. But here's what happened — when rest was already protected, saying no to the 47th cookie exchange felt easy. When movie night was non-negotiable, missing one holiday party didn't feel like failure.
One woman who attended my workshop said this approach gave her permission to pause and reflect instead of just reacting to every holiday demand that came her way. She no longer dreads December.
Here's what I want you to remember: The people who love you don't need you to exhaust yourself creating the "perfect" holiday. They need you present, rested, and actually enjoying the time you have together.
This holiday season, I challenge you to try something different. Instead of asking "What does everyone expect from me?" ask "What kind of holiday experience do I want to create based on what truly matters?"
You could be like my client Nancy who said she loved the releasing of expectations as well as focusing on what you (me) really want. No is a complete sentence!!!
You might find that your "calm-ish" holiday - the one that honors your values and energy - is exactly the gift your family needs.
What's one holiday expectation you're ready to release this year? Let me know in the comments below.
You don’t need a perfect holiday. You need one that feels good for you.
Click the link in the comments for my free Intentional(ish) Holidays guide which has gentle prompts, simple shifts, and permission to do December differently.
Add this in somewhere: I'm looking forward to the Uncluttered Holidays workshop because with so much stress this year, it will be great to have help creating a season to enjoy, even though it will look different than years past." JG
“I enjoyed a variety of your ideas. Loved the releasing as well as focusing on what you (me) really want. No is a complete sentence!!!" NK
Key Elements Maintained from Original:
- Validation-first approach
- Personal vulnerability builds trust
- Practical, actionable steps
- Permission-giving language
- Focus on values over perfection
- Specific to target audience challenges
- Educational but warm tone
Adapted for Your Audience:
- Sandwich generation specific pressures
- Cancer story for authentic authority
- Values-based decision making
- "Calm-ish" realistic expectations
- Workshop concepts woven in naturally
